“A good father should be… sober, decent, supportive,
patient, authoritative, respectful, playful, fair, affectionate, exemplary,
engaged, and present.” Can I hear an “amen”?
According to an article that appeared in the Chicago Tribune a few years
ago, good fathers are:
1.
Sober (because being drunk is never helpful);
2.
Decent (controlled and clean in word and deed);
3.
Supportive (in a world filled with critics, we
all need cheerleaders);
4.
Patient (a prerequisite for any intimate
relationship);
5.
Authoritative (fathers should stand for
something);
6.
Respectful (as the Bible says, fathers should
not provoke their kids to anger);
7.
Playful (whimsical, childlike);
8.
Fair (even-handed and unbiased);
9.
Affectionate (which means “showing” love in word
and deed)
10.
Exemplary (being a “role model” for the kids);
11.
Engaged (being attentive to and involved in
children’s lives);
12.
Present (showing up- “being there” is a huge
gift to children).
The parenthetical comments are mine, but we can all agree
that these 12 character traits are necessary
standards for fathers. It is hard to imagine a good father who is never
home or who doesn’t show any interest in either affirming or disciplining his
children. These behaviors are necessary for fathers and they are affirmed in
the word of God. For instance, the familiar words of Psalm 23 (and a host of
other passages) assure of that God is present at all times in our lives. In
fact, as Jonah learned, even if we try, we cannot escape God’s presence. Psalm
139 also makes this point, and it is self-evident that God, our Father, is
supportive, authoritative, fair, engaged, and most certainly, patient! All of
these traits are faithful to Scripture, and I must emphasize showing affection
in word and deed. Somehow, somewhere along the line, men acquired the notion
that it is not manly to say, “I love you,” or to buy a bouquet of roses, but
God showed His love for us by hanging and dying on a cross of wood. Moreover,
throughout the ages, God has said over and over again, “I love you. I love you.
I LOVE YOU.” If you want to experience God’s sensitive and expressive love,
read Hosea 11 or Luke 13:34ff and measure yourself against that standard. I
wish that I would’ve heard the words, “I love you,” from my father, and so I
tell our girls over and over again, “I love you. I love you.”
The 12 traits that we have discussed
so far are surely necessary for real fatherhood, but to borrow a phrase from
science, they are “not sufficient” They are necessary for men of faith, but
they are not complete, and with this in mind, I will add these characteristics:
13.
Christian fathers must lead their families
spiritually. In the church, it’s very common to have families in which
the mother is the spiritual leader and, sometimes, the only spiritual model the
children have. Praise God for the mothers and for the “godly” women who fill
our pews, but throughout His word, although not entirely, God has expected
fathers to provide spiritual direction for the family. “Choose this day,”
Joshua said, “Whom you will follow, but as for me and my family, we will serve
the Lord.” Also, in recent decades, we encounter more and more families in
which the children themselves decide whom they will follow. The chances of this
happening would also be reduced if fathers stepped to the plate.
14. Christian fathers should manifest the fruit of
the Spirit, and this cannot be done unless they have personally done business
with the living God. The fruit of the Spirit is joy, peace, patience (already
mentioned), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These
are gifts of the Spirit and they are born out of a life-giving relationship
with Christ. In short, Christian fathers must make the commitment to be
Christians;
15. Christian fathers honor their marriage vows
because they know that they have been united in Christ and that they are part
of a sacred union. They are called to see marriage as a covenant which includes
God. Fathers honor God when they treat their wives with the greatest respect;
16. Christian fathers forgive. They forgive
because they know themselves to be forgiven, and like their Father in Heaven,
they also throw away their scorecards. Worrying
about the score, what you have coming to you, what the other has coming to her,
what someone has to do to get even with you, or what you must do or accept
to get even with someone else- all of these lead to either pride or resentment- both of which are fatal spiritual and relational cancers! Besides, forgiving us is at the center
of what Christ’s life and work was all about. Forgiving then, is the most
Christian act you can perform. If you are a fan of WWJD, forgive someone.
Forgive a parent, forgive a child, forgive a spouse, and get about the business
of living for Christ.
17. Finally, Christian fathers are priests within their homes.
Biblically speaking, priests mediate God’s grace and love. They listen,
support, and pray for others. They teach the ways of God and they challenge
those who have gone astray. They themselves are spiritual men who read and
reflect on God’s word and seek God’s guidance. They heal, they provide, and
they empower. We are, or course, no longer caught up in the Protestant
Reformation, and I am not using the word “priest” apart from our Presbyterian
commitment to the “priesthood of all believers.” But even so, priests mediate
God’s love and grace. They teach and model his word, and they empower others to
live lives that Glorify God. This is what Christians fathers
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