I'm over 70 now. pudgy... and my gray hair is thinning. I'm blessed with a wonderful family, including a wife of 52 years, two great daughters, a couple of dynamite granddaughters, two joy-filled little boys, and a great-granddaughter on the way. I'm a proud native of Iowa, which is a lot like heaven to me... but a big part of my heart still clings to Nebraska's "Big Red." I'm a born-again Christian, who found grace, purpose, and freedom in Christ many years ago. I am a retired Presbyterian minister, but I'm having the time of my life as the pastor (part-time) of a wonderful PCUSA church in Knoxville, Illinois! I've been blessed with more than my share of "highs," and I've created any number of "lows." I'm a recovering alcoholic who experienced all the pain and emptiness that I could stand before I was 30. Like any other person my age, I have a lot of stories I could tell, but at this moment, I simply want to highlight to liberating power of God... for alcoholics and their children!
If we're to survive, we need to find a way of way of getting by. If we're to have a healthy sense of self, we need to believe that we are "good enough" and worthy of love- just as we are and just because we are. Life can be difficult. We want to belong and we also want to be authentic. We want to please people... without being dishonest. We want to "let go" and trust, but it's not easy. It's tempting to win approval by pretending to be what we're not and to be manipulating instead of trusting because that makes us much less vulnerable. We all need to find the path that leads us to a place of freedom and acceptance. We all need community and a sense of self, but most of the paths that promise these things are dead-end. They are temporary fixes, or surface-level purchases, that don't give us either real community or a real sense of self. We are driven to find a way of being "somebody" in a world which seems too big... and some people, like me and my parents, choose alcohol! For the "alcoholics" themselves, alcohol seems to serve them well at first. They are more charming when they're drinking, wittier. better looking, and they seem to have more friends. In time, they will be alone, in a crowded room. They won't even be able to function, let alone be charming, and their "friends" will go out of their way to avoid them.
"The man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man." This is the way it goes for the drinkers, but for their families. life becomes an unpredictable nightmare, which is filled with tension, drama, deceit, and abuse. Life, for the alcoholic family, quickly becomes chaotic and empty, and those who are caught up in this life learn to survive in very similar ways. According to Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) studies, children who grow up in alcoholic homes will:
1. judge themselves harshly and never feel "good enough;"
2. be "serious" people who don't have much of a sense of fun or play;
3. feel guilty on the few occasions when they do stand up for themselves;
4. give themselves over to people-pleasing as a way of life;
5. be vigilant, alert, and "on-guard'"
6. have difficulty expressing feelings and trusting other people;
7. be "reactors" rather than "actors" in life;
8. feel alone and isolated, even if they are in a crowd;
9. cling to even destructive relationships, for fear of being abandoned;
These are some of the tell-tale signs of an ACOA. They certainly described me for years, but they lost their power when I accepted Christ in the fall of 1976! There have been some ups and downs since then- temptations have reared their heads and I've taken a wrong turn or two- but Christ has never let me fall. Like everyone else, I've lost important things over time, but I've never doubted that Jesus loves me. Neither have I ever felt that I need to be, or need to pretend to be, something more than I am, to be accepted and loved by my Lord. I am free now to be my best self.
In Christ, I am good enough! I am good enough, and in Christ, I can be of some good to others too. This freedom makes me a better companion and it makes me far more "real. If you are lost in a maze... in which you can't trust anyone, don't feel that you're "good enough" anyway, and have no idea of how to get out .... let it all go. Stop. Give your burdens and your life to Christ... and you will be free. The exit to the maze is right in front of you!
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