I'm 70 years old now. I am slightly overweight... and my mostly gray hair is beginning to thin. I am a man who was (and is) blessed with a wonderful family, including a wife of 49 years, two great daughters, a couple of dynamite granddaughters, and two joy-filled little boys, one of whom is a grandson and one of whom is a great-grandson. I'm a proud native of Iowa, which is a lot like heaven to me... but a big part of my heart still clings to Nebraska's "Big Red" because we lived in Omaha for 20 years. I'm a recovering alcoholic, who weathered a life-threatening and life-changing battle with alcohol before I was 30. Like my brothers, I love the grocery business, and I will always be a "grocery dog" deep down. I'm a born-again Christian, who found grace, purpose, and freedom in Christ many years ago. I am a retired Presbyterian minister, and I thank God for every single moment that he gave me to touch someone's life in his name! I am a "Shedenhelm-Simmons," and I hail from a long line of good men and women... who gave all they had to make our country what it is today. I've been blessed with more than my share of "highs," and I've created a heart-breaking number of "lows" for myself and others. Life, for me, has been something of a roller-coaster ride, and at times, I've done little more than hang on.
I'm the son of two people who, like the rest of us, were products of their own time and their experiences in time. They both lived through the Great Depression, and my father saw combat in the European theater. My father, especially, was a man of incredible resolve and strength. He was a "man's man," and I hold him in the greatest respect. I miss both of my parents and my brothers too, and at times, I miss our home, which was on a corner lot in Des Moines, Iowa. In many ways, we had a typical American family back then. We lived in a nice ranch home, with a one-car garage, which meant that mom had to drive dad to work if she had something to do. I was blessed with a handful of good friends and a handful of wonderful relatives (who were about my age.) Things seemed okay... but they weren't... because our parents were addicted to alcohol! Neither of them ever carried a tin cup and my dad had a great job on his dying day... but they were both alcoholics. They needed it. They couldn't envision life without it... and their world revolved around it. Initially, if they were anything like me, alcohol served them well. It freed them to be their most charming selves, but in the end, it was their master... and in a very real way, it was THE MASTER of our household because it led our parents into a pattern of fights and shouting matches... that seriously undermined the serenity and sanity of our happy home.
I don't fault either one of my parents for getting caught in the grip of something that was too big to control... because they didn't choose to be! Neither did I later on. There is no profit in blaming someone for being "who they were." It is neither fair, loving, or sensible... but actions do have consequences. So, I would like to remind myself and, maybe you, that children who are reared in alcoholic homes... are likely to bear these marks:
1. They will judge themselves harshly and never feel "good enough;"
2. They will be "serious" people who don't have much of a sense of fun or play;
3. They will feel guilty on the few occasions when they do stand up for themselves;
4. They will give themselves over to people-pleasing as a way of life;
5. They will always be vigilant, alert, and "on-guard'"
6. They will have difficulty expressing feelings and trusting other people;
7. They will be more likely to be "reactors" rather than "actors" in life;
8. They will feel alone and isolated, even if they are in a crowd;
9. They will cling to even destructive relationships, for fear of being abandoned;
These are the trail signs of an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). They certainly described and defined me for years, and truth be known, some of these characteristics are "hanging around" to this day. I see them, but they no longer define me! I am free now to be my best self. For me, as you most likely know, my freedom came through my faith in Christ... but you will also be freed... if you surrender to the liberating power of "accepting love." Amen!
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