On Thanksgiving of 2002, Sherry was diagnosed with cancer... and our lives changed forever. She's still fighting, and we're both still praying, but I want to share the only diary entries I've ever made. I had forgotten about them years ago, but last week- while looking for something else- I stumbled upon them. Perhaps they will be of interest to just a handful of people, but I will reproduce them here unedited, believing that they may lead at least one person know that a) there is hope, and b) he or she is not the first one to travel this path.
Nov. 05, 2002
She danced with me during my youth, in her dingy upstairs apartment in Des Moines... and I loved it. When I stumbled she picked me up and when I wandered off the path, she took me back. More often that anyone else, she saw the best in me, and in the last few years, our love has been stronger than ever. In every sense of the word, I love her as much as anyone can love another person... and today... she told me that she probably has blood cancer! Oh God, let this be wrong! Please God, you have the wrong person. She said that, while she hates to leave the girls in pain, there is a blessing in the diagnosis because she won't have to live long enough to lose her eyesight. Of course we don't even know for sure yet, but the Dr. sounded "panicky" on the phone. God willing, we will remain positive. I know a lot of people with cancer, and I know a lot of people who have beaten the beast, or at least held it a bay. Still, there is a heavy cloud overhead... and I cry.
Nov. 06, 2002
Tonight I find myself searching the Internet, trying to find the type of cancer that they think Sherry has... and fortunately, I can't find it. I told my staff today, and unlike Job's friends, they didn't have much to say. Indeed, two of them didn't say anything at all, and the third just said something about not being promised a rose garden, Sherry is a good, caring and faithful woman. She loves her daughters and her granddaughters with all of her heart, and she laughs at all of my jokes. Someone who knows a lot about grief told me that I will get angry in time... and perhaps I will. But right now I am deeply disappointed- very, very disappointed in this news.
Nov. 08, 2002
My friend, Jack, stopped by today. He told me that his wife is feeling much better because they had just learned that her cancer is treatable. He also told me that Sherry's Dr. is very good, but I have my doubts. In any event, Sherry received her first x-rays today and we're trying to stay hopeful. Sherry calls it a "process" and tells me that I had better pull myself together because she might live with cancer for a long time. She's right. I've got to let go and quit worrying about every little thing. Jack's wife told me to keep the faith, and I am trying. I trust God, but I don't think that faith and truth are at odds. In fact, I'm sure that God is only present in the truth... so I will continue to share my pain and deepest feelings with him.
Nov. 09, 2002
She woke up feeling fine today, but within a few hours she was feeling weak and "funny." Something definitely needs to be done. I spent most of the night lying awake, projecting both hopeful and bleak outcomes in my head. Sometimes, I think that cancer is unbeatable- that I might as well accept that- but just as frequently I think that modern medicine in wondrous and besides, God can do anything!
Nov. 10, 2002
When we say our vows, we promise to stick together for better or worse, in sickness and in health, through the thick and the thin of life. We don't ever really know what for better or worse will mean, but our vows are sacred. Today, we returned to the Internet to see what we could see about a cancer called "Multiple Myeloma," and the information we found was "mixed" at best. The good news is that MM is "manageable" for a few years (3-5) and that there are new treatments on the horizon for the disease... but the bad news is that it is not curable. Sherry has turned her cancer and her journey over to God. She trusts that God will do what is best, and while I certainly agree with that, I can't let go yet. No, I will be in the middle of this struggle for awhile.
Nov. 11, 2002
Our daughter and granddaughters were down to see us this weekend and their visit lifted our spirits. Whether it is optimism or denial, I don't know, but at the moment were taking Sherry's cancer in stride. As we played games and laughed together, I forgot about Sherry's cancer, but I remembered it long enough to give our daughter, Kelli, a full explanation. However, I gave both Kelli and her sister, Kendra, an optimistic story because a small measure of the truth was all I wanted them to carry. God seems very real to me and I have been praying for a healing.
Nov. 13, 2002
Well, D-day has arrived. At 2:15 we will receive Sherry's diagnosis and, presumably, some sort of prognosis. Before I left for the office this morning, I mentioned that aunt Bonnie had been praying for Sherry and that she had "good feelings" about the outcome. At times I do too, and if Sherry has a curable cancer, I will be more than hopeful. This is a big hill for us, but I've always believed that God always walks with us, especially when we're walking uphill. I believe that God is able, but in the middle of the night last night, I place my hand on Sherry's head, like some sort of TV minister, and prayed for her healing. Now my mind turns to what-ifs. They say that MM leads to a painless death- you either die from kidney failure or just fade away- and if this must be Sherry's journey, I pray that she will be comforted by God's hand...and by our love.
Nov. 19, 2002
I spent some of the day reading about Multiple Myeloma on the Internet. Why do I do this? I wish I hadn't because it is all very depressing. I can't believe that I'm reading about cancer as a participant! Material from Mayo said that the average life expectancy is only 3-4 years, but other sources are much more encouraging. I suspect there is some truth to both. After all, an average is just that- an average. Pray for benign blood disease.
Nov. 20, 2002
Had Bible study today with a great group of people. We have been reading the Bible verse by verse, and we are now on the Book of Lamentations. Lament is a powerful thing. Healing and empowering in its honesty. The poet cried to God, "Why have you forgotten us completely?" And I would add- why indeed?
Nov. 21, 2002
I prayed silently last night while Sherry slept. I've given up on praying for healing. It's too bold and childlike, and I've settled for God's grace and presence, which are his specialties anyway. But deep down- sometimes just below the surface- I want to cry out, "What good is a God who can't heal?"
Nov. 28, 2002
Thanksgiving came and went and it was the best we've had in years. Kelli and the girls came down and Kendra flew in from LA., and everyone was in top form. It was a day when we got in touch with gratitude because Sherry and I have a lot to be grateful for- not the least of which is one another. Addiction. Recovery. Disability. Sin. Tears. New Beginnings. We've seen it all, and tomorrow we'll see what the Dr. says.
Nov. 29, 2002
It's official now. Sherry does have cancer. Her bone scans were good, but her bone marrow is producing cancer cells- what the Dr. calls "nonsense" proteins. Evidently, these nonsense cells will eventually overwhelm the real protein cells. Half the people who have this cancer live 3-5 years, the man said, but the other half aren't so lucky. They die sooner. He wants Sherry to get a Bone Marrow Transplant right away, and he says this would increase her life expectancy by 6-8 years. Since Sherry has had glaucoma surgeries, she is afraid that the chemo will cause her to go blind. We will search for a second opinion.
Dec. 03, 2002
The Dr. from Mayo Clinic called today and said that we cannot get into their program until April at best. Evidently, he doesn't know how frustrated we are, but we have heard that they are doing good work on MM at Northwestern and one of my friends from church is helping us get answers from Loyola. I will also call the University of Iowa tomorrow and may contact the University of Chicago as well. Prayerfully, we will find someone who will help us.
Dec. 10. 2002
Sherry visited with her sister tonight. They haven't seen each other in years and don't agree on much, but toward the end of the conversation I heard Sherry say, "I love you too." It was nice to hear. I am living with a low-grade depression and find myself meeting two kinds of people. The first doesn't know what to say, so they say things like, "Everything will be fine." The second group seem to be aware of the journey that lies before us and they maintain a knowing and patronizing silence.
Dec. 11, 2002
Tomorrow is a critical day for Sherry and me. We're counting on this doctor from Northwestern to know things that the Peoria group didn't know. We'll see, but Sherry opened an envelope this morning from one of our church members... and it contained $250 to help us meet expenses. It was a nameless and powerful gift of love.
Dec. 13, 2002
We traveled to Chicago yesterday and met with a physician named Jayesh Mehta. He is a professor there, and the director of their transplant unit, and he will be able to give Sherry the help she needs. Rather than doing a Bone Marrow Transplant immediately, he doesn't want to do anything at the moment. He wants to wait and see, pending the results of a few tests that he wants the Peoria group to run. Indeed, he said it may be years before Sherry needs a transplant.
Dec. 15, 2002
Unfortunately, our Dr. in Peoria doesn't want to cooperate with Dr. Mehta, and he won't run the tests he was asked to run. When we told Dr, Mehta this news, he was annoyed and called Peoria himself. He thinks that he has patched things up, but our relationship with our local oncology group is strained. It is tenuous at the very time we need all the help and encouragement we can get.
Jan. 04, 2003
Received Sherry's blood test results. Cancer is still growing and still "smoldering." However, we can't possibly make this journey successfully with the tension we're encountering with our local doctors.
Jan. 25, 2003
Hallelujah! Sherry's be reassigned to a different Peoria doctor- a man who is senior to the Dr. we've had, and more importantly, one who has a good working relationship with Dr. Mehta.
Feb. 05. 2003
Blood tests in. Cancer is up considerably.
This was the last entry in my short-lived diary. I will leave it to you to make sense of this mixture of pain and hope. Sherry was right. It has been a process. We're still seeing Dr. Mehta and there are days when life's other joys and problems overshadow the cancer altogether. In a few days we are going to Chicago for a battery of neurological tests at NW, and in June, we will be blessed to be part of our granddaughters wedding. This is the same girl whom Sherry wanted to see graduate from high school ten years ago. Keep the faith... and... never give up.
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