Awkward In-Between Time

In the church world, some of us are fond of talking about chronos time and chairos time. Chronos time is "ordinary time," as if there could be such a thing.  Words like "chronology" capture the passing of ordinary time, but chairos moments are bigger than the passing of time. Indeed, they define time.  I can still remember attending our oldest daughter's college graduation.  She had been a single mother for some time by then, but she kept her feet moving and she never gave up on her dream.  She kept on going and when she stood in front of us in cap and gown, it was more than the passing of time for me.  Likewise, although I traveled a lot when our girls were growing up, I did attend our youngest daughter's soccer games when I could.  I loved to cheer her on, and I was there when she scored the one and only goal of her limited soccer career. She was positioned on the left side of the field, at some distance from the goal, and to my surprise, she took a shot.  She kicked the ball and, as if it was in slow-motion, it flew almost gently through the air, went over the outstretched arms of the goalie, and landed in the back of the net.  It was a timeless moment.  It was chairos!

There are many chairos moments- weddings, births, proposals, promotions, and more- and there are countless chronos moments, although I would not call them "ordinary."  There are also moments of anxious time (will my in-laws like me), boring time (for me, an opera), and passionate time (fill in the example yourself).  There is all sorts of time, but today I want to talk about that awkward in-between time when you have already said goodbye, but you're not gone yet. People know that you will not be part of their future, but you are not yet part of the past.  And time just hangs, awkwardly  Well, that's the time I'm living in here at the church.  I gave too much notice of my retirement and was part of rallying others to find a replacement.  I was pleased to give them enough notice to find another pastor, but now, the very people that I once counted on- the people I love- no longer quite know what to do with me.  I am no longer in on things, and if I am, it is only in a perfunctory manner.  Meetings are held without my knowledge; strategies are set to meet "their" goals, not "ours"; and while many people will miss me (I think), others are enthused by the chance of carving out their own direction. This is, of course, the way it should be, the way it has always been, but I'm in pain.

When I was in the retailing business, we seldom accepted an employee's notice.  We honored their notice of resignation.  We paid them their two weeks, but we ushered them out the door immediately, believing that their thoughts had already turned elsewhere.  In fact, as soon as an employee gave notice, he or she was no longer invited to planning meetings or given information that employees only should have.  Family business is family business and they were no longer family.  Having a non-family member hanging around for weeks and months on end is an awkward thing.  No doubt, and I am not surprised at the sudden change in my relationships with my old friends.  Yesterday I was asked to approve an event that will take place AFTER I'm gone, and I thought "why?".  Why should I approve or disapprove anything now?  Where do old pastors go? And why did I give so much notice?

pk