40 YEARS OF SOBRIETY

      On October 04, 1976, I had my last drink. I surrendered my self-will to God... and began a life more devoted to service than self. On October 04, 1976, an emptiness came over me- an emptiness that I had never known- an emptiness so powerful that it drove me to my knees.
      I was sitting by myself in a restaurant in Omaha, Nebraska... when it suddenly occurred to me that I was desperately lost and in the process of dying. So, I sat my beer down and drove home, telling myself that whatever alcoholism treatment was, it had to be better than the life I was living. I didn't know what the future would bring, but I was sick and tired of forgetting where my car was and of passing out on my own front lawn. I was sick of tired of looking at my troubled, frightened, and lying face in the mirror, and I had become totally confused about what was real and what was false in my life. Deep down, I knew that I was a "good" person, but I wasn't doing much good. In my heart, I was sure that I could make a contribution to the world, but every night, I watered my own whiskey bottle down so that I myself would forget how much I had to drink. I had become vain and fearful and I told lies when the truth would have served me better. In the early days, I could hold my liquor. I could drink all night, but in the latter days, I was often drunk before the party started. And I wasn't a pretty drunk either. Whenever I drank, I slurred my words, My clothes became disheveled and too big, and I talked too much. Often, I would offend someone by being too friendly or too antagonistic, and most importantly, I had lost any sense of who I was and where I was going. In AA circles, they say that, "a man takes a drink, the drinks takes a drink, and then the drink takes the man," and I can only add "amen,: What was once my servant had become my master, and I was done. I had hit bottom, and I was 30 years of age. Let those who have ears, hear!
      I was in treatment for 30 days, and while they were still concerned about my inability to express even the simplest of feelings and my refusal to talk about my past, they let me out... and my journey began. I attended AA meetings. I made amends wherever possible, and I turned my life over to the care of God, whom I had come to believe... could and would free me from the demons that were trying to kill me. I adhered to the 12 Steps of AA because I knew that, under my own direction, my life had become an absolute disaster. I wanted to be the father and husband that my wife and kids deserved, and I wanted to love the man I saw in the mirror- so I stayed active and did what I was told to do. I stayed away from temptations and sought to grow in my faith that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. Yes, when I was in the treatment center, the Rev. Luther Ratmeyer called on me because he and my wife, Sherry, had been praying for me for some time. He asked me if I was ready to let go and trust in Christ, and I said "yes." He led me in the "Sinner's Prayer," and invited me to get involved in a Christian community when I left the center. He prayed for me, and he prayed with me, that day and for years thereafter, He was instrumental in my decision to enter seminary, and he listened to me when I struggled, which I did... because spiritual growth isn't magical. Surrender isn't easy and the devil (like alcohol) is cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. I had many setbacks, some of them of consequence... but I never considered drinking again... and I never quit believing in the transforming love of Christ Jesus. Whether the walk was downhill or uphill; whether the sun was shining or it was storming like hell, I kept my feet moving because I never felt that Christ had forsaken me. He never has abandoned me, of course, and I've kept my feet moving for 14, 600 days now... and yes they have been taken one day at a time.
      As a serious Bible student, I know that 40 is a powerful Biblical number. Noah rode the waters of flood for 40 days, the people of God ate manna for 40 days, Jonah preached to Nineveh for 40 days, Jesus was tempted in the wilderness for 40 days, and he appeared to his disciples and others for 40 days after his resurrection, Moses led Israel through the desert for 40 years, and many of the judges- Othniel, Deborah, Gideon- judged Israel for 40 years! We say that "life begins at 40," and according to an Arabic saying, to understand a people, you have to live among them for 40 days. I could go on, but the point is clear- 40 is an important number, and to me, it is a holy and sacred number. Thus, I am filled with joy on this, my 40th AA birthday! I am grateful to Jesus Christ, who came to me when I needed him most; to my wife, Sherry, who has been at my side for nearly 50 years; to Pastor Lu (oh, how I wish that I had been the pastor that he was), and to all of those who knew my story and loved me anyway! I don't know how many steps I have left to take... but I pray that each one of them will be taken soberly... in service to my great God. Amen!